It's All Me =)
I decided to make a journal blog all about me and what I go through every day... I wonder who will read this. Hmm. We will see! =)
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Every time I think about North Carolina, and think about writing about my experiences there and how much I miss it, my mind narrates my thoughts in the voice of Sam Shepard (or Frank Calhoun as is his name in the movie) from The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. In my mind, what I want to write is absolutely perfect, but when I go to write it, it is gibberish and disoriented.
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I am incredibly frustrated. It is simply one thing after another anymore. I am trying my best to do what I need to do, so that I can one day be exactly where I want to be. As of lately, if feels like everyone is judging me. I’m not doing this right, or that right, or I don’t know what I am doing, or I am too immature or I run away from everything. I am at the end of my rope right now.
I am trying to find myself a career and not some day to day job. I don’t want to stay in the town I live in forever. I want to one day move away and do my own thing again. I feel like I am being held back where I am now because there is simply no demand for my profession unless I want to bust my rear for minimum wage and no recognition… I did that for nearly 4 years and I was miserable. Right now, I am headed right back to that same spot in life and it simply cannot happen.
I work almost every day of the week, I am fortunate to have one full day off. I enjoy both jobs and one of them I had considered taking to a corporate level. I like my coworkers at both locations and I try my best to do my best every day. Some days will be better than others, that is just the way life goes. Neither of these jobs are careers, however. At least, not careers for me. I wont stay at a job where I know I wont go anywhere, or where I know I will not want to stay with for a long period of time.
I consider life to be an adventure, a journey in which one will learn, explore, and come to define themselves through the chances they’ve taken and the paths they have traveled. I feel that since getting back, that sense of adventure and general excitement in life has vanished. The most excitement I seemingly feel is when I grab the keys and drive myself somewhere I have never been. I miss living in North Carolina… every single day was different, nothing was the same. The people were different, the scene was different… everything about it felt like home aside from the fact that I lived far from my friends and family.
This post may not make a great deal of sense, nor will many read it which is just fine. I am having a rough time right now and when that happens… well, these posts pop up. I am going to start working on my future, to get where I want to be, to do what I want to do. I know it wont happen for me here and I think that I am going to be okay with that. I need a positive change in my life and if I have to do it on my own, then so be it.~D.R. -
It is probably a bit ridiculous on how much I wonder if the person I love, in fact loves me in return. I have been thinking about what I want in life, where I want to go, but mostly about starting a family. I want to have a home together, maybe a pet dog or cat… and a kiddo. I don’t know if it is too much to ask for, but I want it more and more every year it seems.
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There is someone I think about from time to time. I think about the fun times we had together, the places we went, and the things we talked about. I miss you. I don’t know where you are in the world today, I don’t know what your doing or if I will ever hear from you again. I just want you to know I think of you a lot, and every time I do, I wish we still talked… because I miss you, and I miss what we could have been. I’m sorry I was the one who was stupid and let it all go because I was scared. I wish I could have another chance with you. Just us.It has been a rough past couple of days…
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My nephew posted a status on his Facebook today and he said to “like” his status for an honest opinion about you. So I naturally liked his status, curious to see what he would write about me. What he did write about me, made me tear up a bit. I don’t have many people give me honest opinions… but when they do, I am left with this warm feeling in my heart as such I was left tonight.He wrote: “Dustin, sooooooo many things I have to say, but all I’m gonna say is your a brother to me your my best friend ever, and best to say that I can tell you anything, and you wouldn’t judge me….maybe haha with much love roger.’ This is not the first message he has sent me. The last one I remember came to me unexpectedly and at a time where I was really feeling down. When life throws me down on the ground, very few things can pick me up and help me look on the brighter side. The last message I remember getting, was in the notepad on my iPad. It simply stated “I love you Dustin. Love Roger.” I hope that when I have kids, that they turn out to be like him. He is a great kid and always knows how to make people feel better.
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Facebook reminded me that today is my birthday. Thank you Facebook. For all those times one cannot remember his or her birthday, simply check your Facebook on a daily basis and at some point, you’ll find out.Twenty-Three years of age today. where life will take me is a mystery, but I am going to continue working long and hard for what I want so I can go where I need to be.
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Today, I found out some very interesting information which has had my mind in full swing since reading the information. I am wondering what is going to happen next, whats going on already, and where things will lead. I want so desperately to put some parts of my life behind me, forget they even happened. Regret? Perhaps to some degree for having even been through such an ordeal. I can only hope and pray for the best. When things seem dark and dim, when you do not know where the road will lead you, all you can do is pray that in the end, everything will be okay.Romans 5:2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
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This will sound more rude than i mean it to, but some people post the most obnoxious things on tumblr. Tumblr is not Facebook, please respect that and treat it appropriately.If you’d like to post status updates, ill follow you on Facebook or twitter but not on Tumblr.
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Today I was asked by my teenage nephew to read Leviticus chapter 18, versus 18-30. As many of you know, this particular chapter of the bible speaks in great detail of relationships which should, and should not be held. What disappoints me to no end in sight, is that while Leviticus is no longer a book of the bible recognized by countless religious institutions, it is still being taught in certain groups… one of which my nephew is involved with.
This greatly disturbs me as it has taken me a great number of years to understand the bible, the teachings of God, and the origins of its meaning(s). My nephew is more or less new to the religious practices taught in society today. He will frequently ask me questions about religion, why there are so many different religions, what God said about certain topics, etcetera. As a gay 22 year old, uncle to 4 nephews and 3 nieces and an extended family with mixed religious views and opinions, I sometimes find myself in a difficult position as to what I should openly speak about, and what I should refrain from speaking as to not confuse anyone, especially the kids.
Roger, the nephew which I am speaking about in this particular post, is the oldest of all of the kids and he is quite a learner. Biblical topics and religion as a whole seems to fascinate him. I truly believe that he can hold a good religious argument in support of what he believes, but I am afraid that the religious institution to which he belongs to may be teaching him the very hate and discriminatory “values” which so many citizens such as myself must face every single day. The unfortunate reality of the religious society which we must face today, is teaching what is good, what is right, what is pure and the true word of God himself and not the word of those who teach hate and discrimination in the bible. What many do not realize is that God himself never spoke of homosexual relationships in a discriminatory or derogatory way. The particular books of the bible which reference God speaking of such relationships are ones in which these homosexual acts were unholy (married men having sexual relationships with other men, married women with other women, etcetera).
Roger is an open minded kid, but he is simply that: a kid. I do not want to see him inherit this form of hatred for those of us who are different. I by no means wish to detour others from their beliefs and values, what I ask is to re-examine the bible. Read what God said, and what man said. Take Gods word and apply it to the situation at hand, did he speak of the future in these passages? No, he did not.
I wish that someday, we will live in a world free of prejudice and hatred, a world where religious backgrounds are open and freely expressed without the back-stabbing and lying. I can only hope that I do my part in educating Roger of what God said, in what context he meant it, and how I see things today. Do I expect him to agree with me on every level? No. But I believe that all I can do is try my best to teach him and let him make up his own mind. No matter which path he will choose to follow, I want him to know I will be here to talk and answer any questions he may have, religious and otherwise.
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I was once told that nice guys finish last… so I checked and realized that I never registered for a race…
SO WHY AM I STILL ALONE IN THE WORLD?!?!?!
~Life of a ForeverAlone Tumblr Man
